3 a.m. Thoughts: An Open Pen Critique

Hey guys! One of my really good friends critiqued an excerpt of my writing. If y’all would like to comment or critique or let me know, please do so! I really loom forward to hearing about what everyone think!

Write for the King

This Saturday, we have a long fiction excerpt from Readloveexpress22, who blogs over at Read Love Express. Though she welcomed any critique, Readloveexpress22 particularly asked for feedback on her “showing not telling,” description, and grammar.

Thank you for stopping by, and if you have the time, I know that Readloveexpress22 would love to have your feedback on this piece.

The current queue for Open Pen is as follows:

  • Beforetheflames (May 7th)
  • Sami P. (May 14)

If you would like to submit a piece of writing to be critique, you can read the rules and submit on the Open Pen page.

God bless,

Gabrielle

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3 AM Thoughts by readloveexpress22

By the end of yesterday , I was exhausted. After sobbing for hours with attacks raking my body , I had slumped against the sleeping bag tired. Yet , sleep was far from me. I ached to sleep but unfortunately I…

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A letter to someone who has made my life worth living.

Dear angel,

It’s been 11 months, well going to be soon, since the day you changed my life. It’s been 10 years since the first time I met you. I didn’t know then that we would become this close. They say that life is nothing when you have no one to spend it with. Well you have made it worth spending. I was never the types to believe that one person can truly love you and be there for you. I believed that everyone always leaves. Well, that kind of contradicts the person I am. I was and still am to the date a hopeless romantic and like every other hopeless romantic out there I am insecure and scared. As I sit here with the laptop on my lap, I struggle to remember how my life was before you.

One of my friends once asked me,”Where is your home?” I sat quietly and said nothing. A small smile quirked up on my lips. For me, Home wasn’t 4 walls and a bed instead home was a pair of arms that held me close whispered soft “I Love You’s”. That’s the moment when I realized I loved you irrevocably because in that moment ; Home was not a place but a person.

Angel is what I call you. It’s not because you have exceptionally good looks or because when you walk in a room smiles light up on everyone’s faces. I call you my angel because you have the heart of one. I call you ‘Angel’ because you do  everything to put a smile on everyone. I call you angel because you protect me like a guardian angel. When I have you I don’t need heaven.

The only heaven I’ll be sent to is when I’m alone with you.

Thank you for being the light at the end of the tunnel. The one pushing me to crawl when I couldn’t even walk. The one who made me laugh when I couldn’t even smile. You’re the star shining bright and radiant in the night. You’re the reason I realized that I shouldn’t give up. I won’t say you’re my everything. You taught me not to be over dependant. You told me to learn to be strong. I won’t thank you for all this. I will simply be grateful for everything you’ve done for me. I will not thank you for Angel’s can’t be thanked but only appreciated. You are an essential part of my life and I promise you that for as long as I can I will fight against whatever that comes to harm.

In the middle of a brewing storm, he will be my anchor.He’s more myself than I am. Whatever our souls are made of, his & mine, are the same.

When you press me to your heart , I’m a world apart , a world where our hearts meet and its just us two.

It’s one thing to fall in love. It’s another to feel someone else fall in love with you, and to feel a responsibility toward that love. I love you. I will love you for as long as I can. Love you angel.

Forever and always.

WATTPAD.

HEY GUYS I HAVE RECENTLY GROWN VERY ATTACHED TO THIS LOVELY THING KNOWN AS ‘WATTPAD’. IT MAKES ME VERY HAPPY. I RECENTLY STARTED WRITING. I HAVE ONLY POSTED ABOUT 4 CHAPTERS BUT I AM LOVING IT. I WOULD LOVE IT IF YOU GUYS CHECKED IT OUT.

MY USERNAME IS : READLOVEEXPRESS22

THE NAME OF MY STORY IS : DAWN OF A NEW BEGINNING

SUMMARY : After a terrible hurricane strikes the US , a tragedy is struck. The entire continent is covered a in snow and ice. Communication amongst states is next to impossible. In a camp-site woody area, away from the states, terror and havoc is occurring. what happens when 18 year old Alyssa, is forced to lead the people after an inspiring speech?Also, how will she react when a certain jade-eyed boy won’t stop prying into her life to unravel her deepest secrets?


 

“Alyssa,You will tell me everything!”, he yells.

“Are you fucking kidding me? No I will not.Why should I tell you everything?!”
Upset, I hit his chest and push him backwards.

“You are hypocrite! I will tell you everything about myself? You have got some guts. What do I know about you? Huh? Nothing. You expect me to tell you my deepest secrets?”, I laugh bitterly,” It is not your right to know things about me. IT is a privilege. I will decide what you get to know. I hope you understand that.”

As I am walking away,his hand catches my wrist and pulls me back to him. ” You can and you will tell me everything about you. One day I’ll make you tell me everything. WAIT and watch, Alyssa. It is my promise to you. I WILL FIND OUT WHAT YOU ARE HIDING.”

With that I watch him walk away from me as I stand there shell-shocked.

 

CHECK OUT MY STORY AND LET ME KNOW WHAT YOU THINK. I WOULD REALLY LOVE IT IF YOU GUYS READ MY STORY. LEAVE YOUR COMMENTS BELOW AND LET ME KNOW WHAT YOU THINK OF MY STORY AND THE IDEA. THANK YOU GUYS. I LOVE YOU ALL.

UNTIL NEXT TIME,

READLOVEEXPRESS22 X

It’s…

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IT’S…

There are moments in life when no matter what you do you are just tired.

It’s not the tired where you can sleep and be okay when you wake up.

It’s the kind of tired where you can sleep hours together and yet , wake up not wanting to get up.

It’s the kind of tired where every part of you is struggling to just continue.

It’s the kind of tired that like a boulder crushes your soul.

It’s the kind of tired where you’re cannot breathe anymore.

It’s the kind of tired where every part of you is panting for some form of release from the endless torture you face every day.

It’s the kind of tired which makes you numb to whatever is going on around you.

It’s the kind of tired where your lips are smiling but eyes are crying.

It’s the kind of tired where you don’t have the strength to do the simplest of tasks like getting out of bed or holding a glass of water or just plain simple talking.

It’s the kind of tired where your heart aches for just a moment where it can feel okay.

It’s the kind of tired which makes you feel guilty for not being able to do anything.

It’s the kind of tired which makes it hard for you to ever imagine yourself being happy.

It’s the kind of tired where it feels like everything is weighing you down.

It’s the kind of tired which leads to you sitting on the bathroom tiles for god knows how long as you try to calm yourself down.

It’s the kind of tired which slowly slowly seeps into every part of your life.

It’s the kind of tired where you look at yourself and don’t like what you see.

It’s the kind of tired where you see other people happy and wonder why you can’t be like them.

It’s the kind of tired where you’re completely alone with no one who understands you.

It’s the kind of tired where you don’t want to get out of bed because you know today will be just like the day before.

It’s the kind of tired where you cry yourself to sleep.

It’s the kind of tired where you feel your broken heart but still pretend to be okay.

It’s the kind of tired where there are days when everything makes you cry.

It’s the kind of tired where you disappoint everyone around you and feel like a fuck up.

It’s the kind of tired where you fight endlessly with yourself and everyone against you.

It’s the kind of tired where you know you won’t be able to tell your friends whats wrong this time.

It’s the kind of tired which makes you not trust yourself because you have betrayed yourself more than anyone else.

It’s the kind of tired where you over think at night and nothing feels worthy anymore.

It’s the kind of tired which makes you regret everything you’ve ever done.

It’s the kind of tired which makes you listen to sad songs.

It’s the kind of tired which makes you feel like someone is killing you from inside.

It’s the kind of tired which makes you wish things you shouldn’t be wishing.

It’s the kind of tired which breaks you down and makes you wanna be alone.

It’s the kind of tired which makes you believe all the bad things people say about you.

It’s the kind of tired that makes you feel like nothing and worthless.

It’s the kind of tired that makes you feel like a failure.

It’s the kind of tired that makes you push away your best friends.

It’s the kind of tired where what doesn’t kill you makes you wish it did.

It’s the kind of tired which makes you lie to everyone telling them you’re okay.

It’s the kind of tired which makes you feel like a fuck up.

It’s the kind of tired that makes you wonder what you did wrong to feel this way.

It’s the kind of tired that forces you to build walls to guard ur fragile soul.

It’s the kind of tired that causes you not to trust anyone.

It’s the kind of tired that makes you write things like this.

It’s a war.

It’s forgetting.

It’s remembering.

It’s recovering.

It’s sleepless nights.

It’s the pain.

It’s physical.

It’s emotional.

It’s what makes me.

It’s what makes you.

It’s me.

It’s some of you.

It’s us.

It’s a monster.

It’s dead.

It’s alive.

It’s a miserable , sad life.

It’s depression.


 

Stay strong,

Readloveexpress22

 

Status

I am back!

Hey everyone! oh my gosh it has been so long since I was last on here. Damn. I have been busy with alot of stuff. Recently started writing on wattpad. Anyways , I will be updating more and starting to write again.I also want to say thank you.In the last year I got a total of 402 likes. That is huge. Not to most people but to me it means the world. So I will start writing again!

I love you all. Stay strong x

Readloveexpress x